Don't Panic!
Your tiny Santa has lain dormant for almost a year, and will temporarily overtake you - but don't panic! They will shrivel at the end of a frantic 15 to 48 hour life cycle, gorging on booze, fornicating, and spreading an overwhelming stench of cheer.
What the fuck?
SantaCon is a not-for-profit, non-political, non-religious & non-logical Santa Claus convention, organized and attended for absolutely no reason.
Time: Convention starts at 10am sharp. If you’re late, you’re on your own.
Location: New York City. Starting point will be posted here on Dec 12th at 10pm.
Spread the stench of Christmassy cheer: And not just with your breath;
Bring a canned food item. This year Santa is giving a little something to the food bank. Santa can drop off their can of Creamed Corn at one of the first stops.
Will there be a text application to find and keep up with everyone along the way? Fuck that bullshit. Santa don't text. BE AT THE 10AM START or call your elvish friends who are. And really, how hard can it be to lose two thousand Santas?
Santa's Rules: - Santa looks like Santa. HOLIDAY APPAREL IS MANDATORY. A Santa hat is not enough. Get a Santa suit. Buy a Santa suit. Make a Santa suit. Steal a Santa suit. Get creative: be a Secret Santa, a Santasaurus, Candy-cane, a Reindeer, a Chanukah Chicken, a goddamn latke, Stewardess Santa, Knight Rider Santa, Crusty Peace Punk Santa, the occasional Legless Reindeer, Chanukah Squirrel, Emo-Elf, or the Santichrist.
Just don't wear your fucking jeans. - Santa acts like Santa. Be jolly. Belly-laugh. Let people sit on your lap. Give out gifts.
- Santa doesn't seek media attention. "Ho-ho-ho" is good. "Publicity ho" is lame.
- Santa doesn't get arrested. Please remember the FOUR FUCKS:
- Don't fuck with kids.
- Don't fuck with cops.
- Don't fuck with security.
- Don't fuck with Santa. (it's okay to fuck a Santa)
Santa's Guidelines: IT'S A LONG DAY, SO BE PREPARED. Here's some tips to keep your sleigh running.- Eat something.
Santa is responsible for his own feeding! This is New York City -- if reindeer can figure it out, so can you.
- Stay hydrated & pace yourself.
Try some water in between your milk and cookies.
- Bring a MetroCard.
Santa doesn't like waiting while hundreds of drunks attempt to use the machines.
- Santa is responsible for his own inebriation.
SantaCon is not a bar crawl, it's a convention. There will be bar stops, but they will be crowded. Santa does not advocate breaking open container laws! Santa's just sayin'...
- Pay your own damn bar tab and tip bartenders well for putting up with Santa.
- Dress warm.
Wear layers so you'll be comfortable anywhere from the North Pole to the strippers' pole.
- Stay with the group.
Santa is not texting. Santa is not updating his location. If a Santa drunkenly wanders off or misses the 10am start, he will have to know a friendly Santa to call and help them.
- Don't be "that" Santa.
Your friends want to have fun, not scrape the puke outta your beard or prevent your wasted ass from wandering into traffic.
- Santa does not make children cry (unless they whine, snivel, or otherwise deserve it).
Really - If you see kids, give them nice toys, candy, or something pleasant. Feel free to urinate on the parents. Tourists fall somewhere in between the two -- adjust depending on their attitude.
Nothing makes you feel more Jolly in the office than a Peppermint Mocha Latte...and if you are really in the holiday spirit...buy one for the person behind you!
